not my fault

I know I haven't posted in a while and I don't know if it is because I am too lazy, or if it is because I am not longer pretending to be anonymous. But life just really sucks some times. I know that I have things a lot better then so many people but all I want to do is crawl in a hole. I don't want to be in pain any more and it seems like just more and more things keep going wrong with my body. The worst part is that I am sick of feeling guilty for things I can't control. I know that medical bills are expensive, and I know that prescriptions cost a lot. I did not choose to have these things happen so why do I have to feel guilty for the consequences of them??? Just a little rant before bed.... I have been holding that in for a while now. we will see if letting it out helps at all.

Dead Inside...

So one of the side effects of depression is loss of excitement. Well this has become a problem for my hubby. He mentioned the other day about how I never get excited about things and it got me thinking... I do get excited but I am just not a flamboyant shower of my excitement. It doesn't help that I am in pain most of the time so I seem upset even though I am emotionally fine, just not excited. How do I get excited about things, and more importantly how do I show my excitement in a way that makes people believe that I am not dead inside?

Giving Up

I guess I have to give up on the anonymous thing. Most of you knew who I was anyway, I just still ask that you try not to judge because this is still gonna be more of a venting outlet. Comments and feedback are still greatly appreciated. Sorry I have been gone so long. I was wrestling with the dilemma of coming out or not. ;o)

Ooops!

Ok, so you may recall my post about clicking. Well I guess that was a bad thing for me to do. My adsense account was disabled because they think that there has been invalid clicking. I feel like a bit of a retard and I did appeal the decision but I don't know if it will do any good. I guess that if It gets appealed and there are ads on here in the future feel free to click on them if they are of interest to you, but don't do it just to help me out. I appreciate the thought, but at the same time I feel like a bit of a schmuck. Oh well, what do you do? Live and learn I guess.

So sick

SEPTEMBER SUCKS!!!!!

Body Clocks

I have just a small complaint. I know you guys like to hear my grumble so I figured I would pass it on. Why is it that during the time of the day when it would be most convenient and logical to get things done I am so tired I can barely walk. But in the evening when everyone is quiet and I am suppose to be sleeping I can't turn my brain off and all I want to do is get all the projects that are hanging over my head done. Of course I can't do them in the night because people in my house have to sleep. And I can't do any work because it is not normal business hours. Will someone please send my body the memo?? Day time awake... Night time sleep.

I AM BROKEN

Okay, so you may wonder why I haven't posted in a while. Well the main reason is that is is super painful to sit at the computer now. Not emotionally or anything, but PHYSICALLY PAINFUL. Last Friday I was holding my youngest child who is maybe 25 pounds and suddenly screaming pain! I fell to the floor and luckily had my cell phone in my pocket. Called my sister who has recently passed some Kidney stones to ask her what that felt like. Then laid there for about 20 more min hoping the pain might pass. When it didn't and I had thoroughly terrified my kids I decided I had better call my hubby. It takes him about 45 min to get to me from work so I laid there and in between waves of pain I call around to find someone who can watch my kids and send my oldest off to school in a few hours. When he gets home and tries to help me up I was just screaming. We finaly had to roll me to my tummy and then have him pick me up. Once I was standing I could walk a little and I really had to pee so I started toward the bathroom while he was trying to get the kids loaded. I get the the bathroom but couldn't even begin to sit without the pain being so bad I thought I might pass out, so he has to lower me onto the potty. After getting me into the car and heading into town I was okay if I didn't move at all, but even trying to keep my body balanced on turns and when he hit the breaks would bring on a huge wave of pain. Well we got to the Urgent care because frankly the ER is way too expensive and I didn't think I was going to die. (Even though a part of me wished I could.) So sitting in the waiting room I am trying not to scream out or swear when the pain would hit and the receptionist lady noticed that I was sitting there with tears running down my face and some times squeaking because there are moments of pain that no matter how hard you try you just can't be silent. So she has me go get my urine sample to try and speed things up a bit. Again I couldn't stand or sit without Hubby lifting me and there were screams I couldn't keep in. Once the doctor finally saw me they said my urine was clean and they wanted to test me for the flu, but give me a shot of Demerol for the pain. The Demerol didn't seem to help the pain much but it made my legs feel dead and harder to walk. We go across the building to the lab for them to do some blood tests to find that the lady had just walked out for lunch. So we decided to run grab a burger while we had to wait for her. I got an Oreo shake because they always help you feel better and I drank maybe 1/4 of it and took one bite of a burger and I got so sick. I turned white, was soaked in sweet was sure I was going to hurl. Eventually that passed and I decided I had better not eat anymore. So we gimp back inside to get the blood tests done. The lady is on the phone doing some billing crap so we sit outside her office for at least 15 min before I go in. I get help into the chair and she takes my blood. As soon as she finishes and I go to get down the pain hits, I turn white, get soaked in sweet again and tell her I am going to puke. She doesn't have a bowl or anything so she hands me a super full trash can. Then hubby runs across the hall to borrow a puke pail and she grabs a different can that is not so full. I throw up into the empty can before hubby makes it back with the bowl. Then it takes about 5 min to get me out of the chair because I couldn't reach my feet down to the floor because it was so high and I was in so much pain. And dizzy from the pain meds that did not remove the pain. It takes us about an hour to get home and I am going back and forth from being hot to freezing. I eventually make it up to bed after falling asleep for a second in the recliner while hubby picked kids up and mowed the lawn. Stayed flat on my back in bed with my knees propped up on pillows until the next morning. A neighbor who I was suppose to help with a big birthday party on Saturday came by Friday night with dinner and doughnuts for me because I told her what was going on and I couldn't help on Sat. anymore. Saturday was aweful, I felt a little better as long as I took enough loritab, but Hubby was so cranky. The first thing he said to me in the morning was "get up, you can't spend all day on your ass." Then he wondered why I wouldn't let him help me. It took me 20 min to get out of bed and onto my feet so I could go to the bathroom, and a lot of yelping and whimpering. I did as much as I could on my own and rested as much as I could that day. Things slowly got better and now I can do most things, I just have to move very slow and be careful not to lift or bend wrong. So what happened you ask? Apparently I may have herniated a disk. The only way to know for sure is with an MRI and the only reason to do that would be if I were considering surgery. Since I am improving and functional I am doing a round of Cortisone treatment and then I will do some physical therapy and use the pain meds if I need them. Not sure what the therapy will entail until I call the insurance company and make sure they cover it, then see the therapist. I have decided that my body is just stupid. I didn't even do anything dumb or cool to hurt my back. Just a basic lifting of the baby. I wasn't even lifting him, I was setting him down on a chair. SOME PEOPLE!