Love/Hate

I love my children, I love being a mother, I love being home...
But some days, it seems more often then not, I just want to run away from them or maybe just lock them in a closet. I am a person who likes to give and feel love through touch, but by the end of the day I feel like if another person touches me I am going to explode. I feel awful because it seems like all day long I am telling them to go away, or be quiet, or go watch tv... Then when daddy gets home I want to clock out and be off duty until the next day. I know that a mommy is suppose to be selfless and give all that she has to her children, but what if I don't have anything left to give. And what about hubby? If I give everything to the kids I have NOTHING left for him. So what is more important? Being a good wife or a good mother? That is my ramble for the day. I really do want people to comment and give me some advice on these things. I am just typing to hear myself think... but feedback would be wonderful..

The Med Verdict.

Some of you may recall my wondering about going off my meds. Well... I tried it for about two days and nearly died! Not so much because of the emotional effects, but I had forgotten how big of a difference it made with the damn fibro pain. So I guess I won't be cutting that one out any time soon. As far as the depression goes, it comes and goes. It is mostly here but I am fighting it off the best I can. I really do worry that the way I am is going to effect my kids. I guess that seeing me take medicine isn't that big of a deal as long as we teach them that there are right and wrong times to do so. I guess I saw my mom swallowing large handfuls of pills morning and night as a child and I never turned to drugs. Well I have turned to prescription drugs that have been given to me by a doctor, but you know what I mean.

love= sex? NO!

Why is it that in the male brain love must always equal sex? If for some reason you are not able to do that, or they are not in the mood then there is NO AFFECTION shown at all.
Example A:
When I am a woman doing what women do every 28 days we just don't do it. I think it is gross, and he thinks it is gross, and we are both okay with just not. BUT. By the end of that week I am so starved for affection I delve in to an even deeper state of depression and feeling unwanted.
Example B:
I can understand him not being in the mood once in a while. But after a whole day of being distant and in the same room but no physical contact I start to starve. I ask for a hug and he WON'T do it! He will put me in a headlock and give me a noogy, he will joke around and wrestle me, or give an exasperated sigh and stand there like "fine hug me but make it fast and get it over with." This just PISSES ME OFF!!!!

We have discussed the fact that I am a very touch oriented person. I need to be shown love in a physical manor, but for some reason physical love can only mean sex! I have said it over and over. Just because I touch you it does not mean I am trying to get you naked! Just because we kiss I am not trying to get you naked! Just because you are not horny it doesn't mean you can't be loving. WTF!!!!

secret blogs

A friend of mine has a similar blog. If you like mine you will probably like hers.

http://itsdefinitelynotusitsthem.blogspot.com/

Once again, if you know who we are pretend you don't. That will keep us honest and willing to be as open and truthful as we need to be.

Husbands.

For those of you who know who I am .... Not all of these examples are my hubby. I am actually very happy with my husband (usually). In fact he is one of the few things that holds me together these days. I do however know many ladies with some crappy husbands, and my pearl can be a blob of poop some times too. So, I guess the question I am posing now is how do you decide what things are important enough to fight for and when do you just stand back and let them do what they do even if it causes you a lot of grief, stress, or annoyance...

No mater what idea he has I give it serious thought and unless I am strongly opposed I tend to go with it. But if I have any idea, request, or thought he will shut it down immediately. Sometimes I think he is afraid of me having an idea, or being told what to do. But if someone else suggests it to him he is more then willing to at least look into it. Or even turn around and present it to me like it is some new idea. GRRR!

Any advice?

I know that the man is the head, and I am suppose to be the neck, but how do I trick him into thinking about turning. I don't want a robot that just does what I tell him, but I would at least like him to listen to and consider things when I say them other then turning it off because he has his "wife filter" on.

I'm smart though....

I did the little test thingy at the bottom that is a practice test for Mensa. Mensa is like this society for super smart people. Well I don't recall the exact score, but it said I had a pretty good chance of passing the actual admittance test. So yay for my and my big brain!

When life sucks it sucks HARD!

Well true to my words I am going to complain some more. I was feeling better for a day or two. My emotional state is getting better as my physical state keeps going down the hill. My eyes itch, my throat hurts, I have had a headache for longer then I can remember, I am all dizzy all the time, and I just can't get caught up with life. My house is a mess all the time no matter how much time I spend cleaning. I am tired all the time no matter how much time I spend sleeping. Now my kids are sick and I am pretty sure it is going to run through the whole fam damily! GRRRR! Not to mention that my checking account is negative $50 and there is no way I am going to tell my hubby.

Why so touchy?

Why is it that I get so emotional over other peoples struggles. An acquaintance of mine who I don't know if I ever even met personally passed away the other day. I did know a lot of the same people that they knew. I think I cried just as hard over that as I have when people I was close to died. I did the same thing years ago as a teenager. An uncle died who I in all honesty wasn't really very fond of, but I cried twice as hard then as I did when my own Grandpa died. What is the deal with that!

Say What?!?!?!

Ok....
So this is what you don't say to your wife...

Why are you depressed? I thought pregnant women were suppose to be happy.

The kids always listen to ME. YOU must not be consistent.

You never feel good.

What did you do all day?

All of these things have been said by my wonderful husband when he is suffering from something that I like to think is an oxygen shortage in his brain. The last one was said to me just last night after one of the longest days of my life. I about died. He didn't just say it in passing. He picked up the phone and called me on the cell phone while I was out grocery shopping. Then when I get home and am a whirlwind of fury and house cleaning he tells me not to be angry. I about lost it. What kind of a reaction do you expect when you call someone and tell them that they are a lazy person that is not living up to your expectations for them? HONESTLY!!!

Meds or no Meds?

Ok...
So I have been on antidepressants for nearly ten years. I have tried almost every brand that there is and for the most part I can usually say that they are HELPING. But they are by no streatch of the imaginations WORKING. My dilemma is that it seems like I take so many pills every day, and so much of our tight enough as it is budget keeps going to my drugs. As I already mentioned in the last post Therapy is too expensive and I was not all that impressed with what little bit I have already tried. I have small children and my five year old has started telling me that he needs to take medicine every morning because he has seen me doing it. My three year old is beginning to think that this is a good idea to. So what to do???
Do I try and go off for a while and see how I do?
Do I just suck it up and keep going?
Do I try changing or adjusting? (that one scares me.) (the current ones seem better then anything else I have tried, I am on the highest possible dose so upping it is out. And it has always been sheer hell when I have changed.)

I'm gonna piss and moan.

So... Therapy is too expensive, and honestly who has the time. I have decided to create an anonymous blog through which to vent. Maybe if I am lucky I can help a few people know that they aren't the only crazy ones out there who are sick and tired of being pissy with no one to cry to. Please feel free to comment but if you know me personally please keep names and places secret and let's keep it clean folks. I am having a hard enough time already! Okay?